Asexuality + crushes — Tell us a story – can be real, or fictional, about queer romance

See an explanation for the context of this post here.

Tell us a story – can be real, or fictional, about queer romance

One time someone asked me, “How does it work to be asexual? Do you never have crushes?” and this is the story I told them as the best personal example I could give.

If I were to have a type, for whatever reason it seems to be baristas. Even if I meet a girl completely unrelated to a coffee shop, if I like her and then talk to her I end up finding out she is or was a barista. Everything else about my crushes changes: from body shape, race, style, age, personality, interests, etc.

The thing with me is I instantly know if I like someone or not. It’s like love at first sight, I guess, except without any expectations.

There was this girl in her 20’s who was a barista at a coffee shop I frequented. I freaking loved her. She was funny, smart, beautiful, super talented in a variety of ways, and I loved how her personality came out in her clothing style. I can chat with anyone on any stupid topic but when it came to her, I wanted to talk more and more. And as my infatuation with her grew in those conversations with every new piece I learned about her, I came to have what I felt to be embarrassingly obvious reactions. I would start to blush, and then kind of stutter a bit, maybe ramble, and definitely joke even more than normal.

I always think I’m being ridiculously obvious in these rare crush cases but then later find out I wasn’t obvious at all. I guess it’s because I’m so rarely interested in anyone that, to me, having that interest is already monumental. It makes me feel like surely everyone else must know from a mile away. With her, I wasn’t sure if she knew I liked her and I was afraid to be overt.

Thing is, I have shit for gaydar. Like seriously, I rarely know if someone’s gay and it’s even worse with ladies. Which is a real pain as a lesbian. If someone isn’t wearing a shirt that says, “WHY HELLO I AM A LESBIAN AND I AM INTERESTED IN YOU OHOHO :D” then I basically have no clue. So after a while of going to that coffee shop once or twice a day to get a chai or iced tea, talking to her every chance I got and utterly failing at figuring out her sexual orientation but utterly succeeding in becoming more smitten with her, I finally started doing that dorky thing where I whispered to friends about this barista I liked but I didn’t know if she was gay.

My straight female friend, hilariously enough, has fantastic gaydar. So I brought her with me one day and asked her afterward. She said her gaydar was a little mixed on the woman. So then I asked all my lesbian friends, and convinced one of them to stop by the coffee shop one day and see. She also tried, and came back and said she wasn’t sure.

This went on for some time, with me getting increasingly giddy when I saw the woman. I mean, I felt my cheeks heat, I felt butterflies in my stomach, I didn’t want to stop talking to her even if it was the most inane of conversations. I found myself thinking about her even when I wasn’t at the cafe. I wanted to know more about her, I thought about how cool it would be if I could go out with her, or how awesome it would be if we could move in together eventually because I could also meet the pets she talked about. I thought about whether she liked to travel and if she would ever want to travel with me, and all the places we could go. I wondered if she could teach me how to customize clothes like she did for herself.

Things like that. It didn’t even matter if we talked. I just liked the idea of being able to spend any time with her.

I wanted to know whatever she was comfortable telling me because I liked everything I knew about her, even the things she might have expected people not to accept, like when she mentioned she had depression and ADHD. To me, they were simply facets of her beauty. It only made me want to know more.

This makes me sound like a stalker, but I swear I wasn’t. It was simply that I had such strong admiration for her that I felt like she was a story I could read every day for the rest of my life, and still find something new and exciting on the next page.

After weeks of this, and at the height of my giddiness, one day I stopped by again. In the process of talking to her about some topic I don’t even remember, she gave me her Facebook name. I had tried searching for her on google and Facebook already, hoping I could at least solve the question of whether she was gay or not, but I hadn’t gotten anywhere in my initial search and I wasn’t interested in becoming a total creeper so I stopped and figured I’d see if she ever was open to telling me, herself. So when she gave me her Facebook information, I was ecstatic. Finally! I would know if she was even gay, because so many women I had liked in the past weren’t.

When I pulled up her Facebook page, I was really excited to know a little more about her, like the sorts of things that interested her enough for her to post, or if she had any funny pictures of her and her friends, or if I could see her pets, or–

The first thing I saw stopped all the questions.

She was gay, definitely. I knew this because she was married to another woman. Their wedding pictures were all over her Facebook, and they were beautiful. Her wife looked really nice, and they seemed really happy.

Instantly, all that giddiness, that interest, that heat I’d had before– vanished. Completely disappeared. It’s like someone dropped a wall between me and it, and every piece of it was gone. There was literally no transition. I went from, “OMG SO EXCITED TO KNOW MORE ABOUT HER I KEEP THINKING ABOUT HER CAN’T STOP” to “What? I know her?” in a second.

I still thought she was an awesome person, I still thought she was talented, but any and every bit of romantic interest in her vanished because I knew it would never happen. She was with someone else. That was all I needed to know. I was no longer interested or intrigued.

The next day I walked into the coffee shop, curious to see if I would still blush and maybe ramble. I was a little worried that I would have to lay off the coffee shop for a while so I wouldn’t bug her while I transitioned. But to my relief, that feeling didn’t resurface at all, not even when I saw her. I felt toward her the same way I felt toward all the other baristas: I liked her as a person, I joked around with her about stupid things, but when I got my chai and we were done chatting I said goodbye and left without looking back.

I never once thought of her after seeing her Facebook, except the way I would with any other barista there. After that, when I went in and saw someone else working I didn’t find a way to squeeze in casually asking if she was there/when she’d work next. Because it no longer mattered. It was cool if I saw her, but totally cool if I didn’t.

From what I understand from other people, or at least the way things seem to be represented in a lot of media, that is perhaps the difference between at least the way I am as an asexual, and the way other people might function who aren’t asexual. I’ve always gotten the impression that it’s much more difficult for others to turn off their feelings.

It seems like there’s a trope where people can’t turn off their love even when finding out someone is otherwise engaged, and they fantasize about stealing them. For me, there is no way I would have interest in interfering. Even assuming I still had feelings, why would I ever try to break up someone else’s happiness for something as selfish as my own? Especially since I would never be happy if she wasn’t happy. It just feels completely illogical and pointless to me. Which is probably what’s at the heart of it: I may feel the emotions deeply, but ultimately they are still immutably tied into logic in my mind.

But if she hadn’t been married/with someone else, and if she had been interested in me, I would have devoted myself to her for as long as she wanted me. I would have developed a loyalty that would mean I would never have any interest in straying or betraying her, because she was all I wanted and all I needed.

For me, it’s like a switch. I can’t control if it’s turned on, and I can’t control if it’s turned off, but that stark dichotomy between being supremely interested and utterly disinterested definitely exists. And if something occurs where I realize it’s not to be between us, that switch is thrown and every extra feeling I had is completely gone. I couldn’t recreate that same heated giddiness with her if I tried. Any more than I could make myself be romantically interested in someone I didn’t have an instant connection with the first time I met them.

Maybe it actually is exactly this same way with everyone else, at which point this isn’t a very good story to use as an example. But if this is not the way it works for you when you are romantically interested in someone, and if you wondered what it means to be asexual– then, for me, the story of the barista I adored until I found out she was married is the best way I can explain.

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Another Incarnations excerpt – Fawkes and Sloane, being goofs

I just released this on tumblr today as well, because I got all inspired by this:

fantasique reblogged your post and added: “fantasy story excerpt (f/f-ish)”

!!!! this seems so good *//* and is it healthy i’m already shipping sloane x fawkes like crazy? bc they sound all the right bells of my fangirlself tbh *runs* and the cover is so pretty too! can’t wait for april ❤

I wrote the below response on tumblr:

Aww! it actually would make me really happy if you do ship them! I like them 🙂 They already sort of have a joking ship name based on their first names, but it’s not really set in stone. They’re basically inseparable and get along super well and sometimes mess with others. I like them both so it would make me happy if anyone else liked them 🙂

You’re getting me excited about the story again! I tried to find another excerpt to share with them and it was a little difficult because so many of their scenes are too contextual or in spoiler country, but I did remember this scene so I’m sharing it! I changed a couple of names in it to Earthling/American equivalents so the specific terms I use aren’t taken.

Anyway in this scene they are joking around.

EXCERPT BELOW

Context on this scene: So, Fawkes and Sloane are both early 20s when the book starts. There’s this character Vikenti who’s late 40′s and really cranky and sort of a father figure to Sloane but also they’re kind of gruff with each other sometimes. Vikenti and Sloane are basically the cops in this fantasy world, and Fawkes is a friend. In this scene, they’re walking through the equivalent of the police headquarters in the main city. Sloane and Fawkes aren’t supposed to have anything to do with the murder mystery case but Sloane bitched at Vikenti until he grudgingly agreed to let them see the body.

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Incarnations excerpt – Fawkes and Sloane, night

I released this on tumblr recently but like a dweeb didn’t share it here so I am now 🙂


 

I randomly felt like sharing an excerpt from the fantasy book I’m working on (Incarnations). This is a sort of f/f-ish scene.

A short explanation of Incarnations if you haven’t heard me mention it before: this is the first book in a fantasy series I’m writing; I first conceived of this book when I was 13/14 and wrote 150 pages in it before I stopped and started over and I’ve been doing that since while also expanding the world and characters; and this book starts with a murder mystery that seems to possibly involve a serial killer. Find more excerpts here.

The book/series contains a number of LGBTQIA elements, with lesbian, gay, pansexual, asexual, heterosexual characters, and one is neutrois.

The “she” in the beginning of the excerpt is Sloane, one of the (many) main characters. I realize this excerpt probably seems bizarrely mundane/cliche(?) for a fantasy story starting with a murder mystery, but that’s why I’m okay with sharing it; it has minimal spoilers and shows one aspect of two female friends nearly attached at the hip from the start of the book.

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Fade ch 40 spoilers – the Scottish dude

I SWEAR I had posted this somewhere before but now I can’t find it, so I’m posting this here. A quick overview of how I was going to go full Scottish brogue with the character who appears in Fade chapter 40.

SUPER SUPER SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE!! THE BIGGEST SPOILERS EVER ARE BENEATH THIS CUT!! DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THROUGH FADE CHAPTER 41!!!!

 

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She Flew – an old original story, from 2006

She Flew

Ais

Thursday 2/16/06

Sometimes she whispered her dreams. Words so quiet they barely surfaced into reality, breath a hush behind them all. She let her eyes drift closed, her mouth lie open and lax, and in the rustle of the sheets on her rising and falling chest, she let herself go.

Colors and moments, shifting around her like ballroom dancers while she stood still. She watched, but could not participate; admired, but did not create. Let the indigo of her sunrises and crimson of her seas blend together, and in the deep violet haze that resulted, she lifted brush to sky and painted. Clouds of hunter green and mountains shaded yellow; white-as-ghost nights and moon the exact hue of charcoal beneath the grill, just before the fire goes out and the red fades away.

Her unicorns rode the sky and dragons flew on land, and all the animals spoke perfectly but the humans were silent, curious; watchful and patient but never understanding. Silk fell from clear skies for rain, and thunder broke in the distance when the sun was at its zenith. On the darkest, cloudiest of days, the birds sang clearest, and in their melodies the ancient lore of mermaids could be heard, drifting along the sea breeze to settle in their throats.

She was the conductor in her orchestra of light, and the sound of the sights was enough to make almost anyone mute. She had turned her chair catatonic, and brought her grandmother to life. Dancing across the stage were fireflies, and in the sky crashed turbulent waves. She held her hand aloft and there was a chaos of motion, but when she moved it to the side there was silence.

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Solitaire Unraveling – an old HP fic snippet

I know this is very random but in trying to find an old writing to answer a tumblr post, I ran across this fic which I’d planned to be an epic Remus-centric Harry Potter fanfic. I started writing it on Thursday June 29, 2006, but never got beyond the first 9 pages.

It’s kind of awkwardly worded and I ended up stopping and starting over because I wasn’t sure if James and Sirius should have known of each other beforehand or how the Potters and Blacks should have viewed each other, and maybe some parts were too cheesy, etc. I never finished it. But rereading it now, idk. It was kind of fun to read so I decided to share it here just because. All of what you see below is straight from that 2006 document, almost entirely untouched/unedited since then.

Obviously, Harry Potter and all its characters are owned by JK Rowling and whatever other companies own rights.


 

Solitaire Unraveling

Ais

6/29/06 – Thursday

Remus love forever.

S/R love for just as long.

Title from the Mushroomhead song.

Solitaire Unraveling was going to be the title of a collab fic in another fandom years ago, but it never got off the ground. When thinking of this story, I really wanted to examine Remus’ difficulties in letting people in, and, even more so, letting them go once he had accepted them. I wanted to explore how hard it is to trust, and how he had kept himself apart, and how that changed with the Marauders. The song title popped into my head quite suddenly at that point, so I went with it.

But when I looked up the lyrics later, I realized they were far more relevant to the story idea than I had remembered. And that’s the story of this fic’s name. Titillating, I know.


Remus J. Lupin felt distinctly awkward at the Platform of Nine-and-Three-Quarters.

The bag he held clutched to his chest was not nearly as nice as ones children around him carried and his single suitcase seemed pathetically inadequate compared to the large amount of trunks he saw being loaded continuously on Hogwarts Express. Kids his age and older swirled around him, nervous and excited and making more noise than Remus had been subjected to since the remote village that tried to sing and dance away his affliction.

But mostly he felt awkward because of his mother.

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WIP Files

I have found over the years that I get depressed if I’m not constantly “productive,” which usually means every day I need to do SOMETHING that I deem useful or else I feel really down. I’ve decided I need to do something about this. Along these lines, I also tend to be more motivated if I think people actually care if I’m doing anything.

So I’m starting the WIP Files. 

Every day I’m going to do something in one of my projects– it can be research for a story (which can include reading, watching items, learning pieces of a language, etc), writing even a paragraph in any of my many projects, drawing even a panel in any of the many comic ideas/prompts I have, or any other project that arises. I will post something every day; a screenshot or excerpt or review of research notes, it doesn’t matter. It will all go into my WIP Files, and it will help me keep track of my progress and make me feel less useless, and for anyone interested in any of the projects it might be interesting, too.

The only way I’ll actually follow through on this is if I post it online in public where people can see it. If it’s just me, I will forget or lose interest and stop. So, I apologize in advance because there should be at least one small post every day from now on, and if it bothers you I will understand if you unfollow me or stop checking this blog. I might also post this simultaneously on tumblr, and perhaps eventually I will get it down to posting on just one of the two places. I will be tagging all of this “my WIP Files” on both sites, so if you find a way to block that tag that should help.

Note that this will be a range of projects, probably all original works, not all In the Company of Shadows-related but some of them will be. If anyone wants to try starting WIP Files for themselves along with me, they’re welcome to do so 🙂