ICoS Crackfic for tumblr ask to ICoS characters: How was your first time?

I’m posting this here mostly so I don’t lose it if I ever need to find it again.how was your first time

I saw your tweet asking for the answer to be a mini fic… I’m not sure if I did this right but oh well, this is what I did lol These are not canon answers btw, it’s just a joke about ways people could respond.


Owen stares. “Someone tell me they see this too. Is this a camera in my face? What’s happening right now? Did I fall into another dimension?”

Emma frowns. “No, I see them too but… Excuse me, do you have clearance to be here?”

“Yes, of course we do. Straight from Connors. Now, tell me– how was your first time?” Rosa shoves the microphone in Emma’s face.

Emma backtracks with a blush. “What?”

“Are we talking, like, first time I took a step?” Owen wonders aloud. “‘Cause I don’t remember that. Or if it was first word, I don’t remember that either. But if it was like, first time first time–”

Jeffrey had been trying to pass but pauses when he overhears the exchange and smacks Owen on the back of the head. “Obviously that’s what she means, you dolt.”

Owen scowls and rubs his head. “Jeez! Lay off the merchandise, man! And if you’re such a genius, why don’t you answer first?”

Jeffrey turns his nose up and crosses his arm. “Better than anyone else’s, I’m sure.”

Owen snorts. “I bet.”

“You probably wouldn’t shut up the whole time,” Jeffrey snipes. “You were probably annoying as hell.”

“Hey!” Owen bursts out indignantly. “How dare you!–”

Emma grimaces. “He’s joking–”

“–Were you spying on me?” Owen demands.

Boyd is walking through the courtyard, distracted by his tablet, when he looks up and sees the hullaballoo. He stops, assesses the level of inconvenience, and tries to keep walking past everyone on his way to the Tower. Rosa notices him and speeds up to his side.

“Boyd!” She pushes the microphone into his face. “We’re happy to see you here. As a main character, the people especially want to hear from you– how was your first time?”

Boyd shoots a sharp sidelong look at Rosa, speeds his steps and doesn’t answer. Rosa keeps up with him.

“You’re known for being quiet in public but loud in private–”

Boyd’s eyes narrow. “Where are you getting this information?”

“–so we’re curious what it was like your first time. Did you know you would be so loud or was it unexpected to you? Did anything embarrassing happe–”

Boyd cuts Rosa off by shutting the door in her face as he enters the Tower. Unperturbed, Rosa and the crew follow him inside.

Archer appears from the crowd, hawk-like glare piercing into Rosa even as his hand moves to his gun. “Who the hell is this? Do you have clearance?” No one answers immediately.

“Boyd–” Archer snaps a hand around Boyd’s arm as Boyd tries to pass, and yanks him to a stop. Boyd’s lips tick down in annoyance. Archer leans down and growls, “Do. They. Have. Clearance.”

“Ask them,” Boyd says unconcernedly and tries to get away. He is unsuccessful.

“What are you doing here?” Archer demands of Rosa.

David pops his head out of the training room. “Who’s that?”

“Oh, yes. Now we have more people to ask. Everyone, how was your first time?”

“Great,” David says with a massive grin and a thumbs up sign. “Thanks for asking.”

“So fuckin’ good, you’d blow if I told you,” Cade drawls as he walks out of the training room. “Why? How was yours?”

Blair frowns and rubs the back of his head. “I mean… It was alright. Nothing like flying, I can tell you that for sure.”

“Get the fuck out of here before I do it for you,” Archer says flatly and drops Boyd’s arm to bodily turn Rosa around and shove her toward the front door.

“Wait, you can’t do that,” Emma says as she bursts into the room. Archer pauses with a growl under his breath and waits while Emma bends over and pants heavily, hands braced on her knees. “Boy… you sure do walk fast, Boyd. I had a hard time keeping up with you all.”

“Why should I wait?” Archer demands. “We don’t need the guards for stupid shit like this. We can take care of it ourselves.”

“No…” Emma waves a hand apologetically and grimaces. “Sorry. Wow, it’s hard to catch my breath. When did I get so out of shape?”

“Walker.”

Emma winces and straightens. “Sorry! I checked with Mr. Gerant. They have clearance to be here for an hour interviewing the staff on a predesignated question. Which is apparently–”

“Boyd! You didn’t answer! How was your first time?”

Rosa runs after Boyd when she notices he’s already stepping into an elevator. She and the crew are too slow to catch him so they’re caught in the lobby, but they watch which floor number it ends on and then go to that floor in another elevator. They emerge on the fourteenth floor. The crew looks around in confusion but Rosa says, “I know exactly where he went.”

They head into the library, which is always so empty and Rosa is already so confident that she’s asking as they enter, “How was your first time?”

“My what?” Kaspar stammers in shock, books nearly falling out of his arms.

“Oh! Sorry.” Rosa looks around. “Did Boyd Beaulieu come in here?”

Kaspar stares at the crew warily. “Uh…”

“We were given clearance by the Marshal to be here. We need Agent Beaulieu’s answer before we can leave.”

Kaspar chews his lower lip, fidgets with the edges of the books, and glances self-consciously toward the back corner. “Umm… He is, but–”

“Thanks!” Rosa says and makes a beeline toward the back corner where Boyd has been known to hide. “Boyd, you didn’t answer yet. Even a short reply would be enough for our viewers. Tell us, how was your first time–”

They round the corner and nearly run into Hsin. He stands there, arms crossed with a murderous glare in place. The air around him seems to vibrate with danger. Behind him, Boyd is seated at his favorite table watching the crew warily.

“His what?” Hsin growls menacingly.

“Umm,” Rosa says in a small voice, taking a step back without meaning to. She bumps into the cameraman behind her. “Uh…”

Hsin steps forward, and the danger seems to increase.

“Um,” Rosa tries again. “I– I just. We just…”

For a moment, Rosa almost tries to ask Hsin the same question but she knows if she does those will be the last words she ever utters. The violent, painful death promised by Hsin’s glare increases manifold. As a whole, the crew stumbles back a few more steps. The sound guy turns and flees.

Rosa lowers the microphone with a shaky hand, then turns to the camera with a brittle smile. “And there you have it! The answer to the question burning in everyone’s mind. That’s enough for this segment. Next up, the newest episode of ICoSpera. What will Violet do now?”

Rosa and the crew flee as fast as they can, feeling like the weight of Hsin’s murderous aura is on them the whole way. They don’t feel safe until they’re well off compound and headed back to the station speeding in their cars.

Back at the library, Hsin stays standing for a few more seconds, and then returns to the table with Boyd. The two of them sit in silence for five minutes, with Hsin occasionally eyeing Boyd over his book until finally Boyd looks up at him and their eyes meet.

“So,” Hsin says. “How was it?”

Boyd throws a spare book at Hsin and goes back to reading.

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