Below are two posts I wrote in a row on Facebook today. Normally I don’t post personal things at this blog but this was an instance where I wanted to retain this thought process. Like the asexual post I did previously, this is pretty indicative of my general view on life, so it feels relevant to this blog.
I guess this is kind of me thinking aloud, and kind of coalescing thoughts from many months and years of rumination.
There are so many things I have thoughts on that I don’t write posts about, because I tend to have a complicated view of most things. So to explain my view, it would need to be a dissertation for someone else to truly understand what I’m trying to say. Most of the time, I feel like it isn’t important enough to do this because my opinion is simply one of many, and I don’t feel that it’s more valid than anyone else’s, so it seems like the expenditure of energy is unnecessary. I thought of this because there were about 4 topics I could have written an essay about today.
I tend to see both sides of the situation and generally speaking often think there are valid points on many sides of any argument (which is what complicates things). But sometimes I am confronted with the unexpected truth that my more empathetic/neutral view on things isn’t always the norm, which means sometimes I’m in a unique position to bridge a gap. My natural inclination to want to help others means I see this as a good thing, but my equally natural inclination to think I’m not good enough for anything means I constantly question if I’m doing something well enough or if someone else would be better at this. Still, it doesn’t stop me from feeling accomplished by some minor goals.
I thought of all of this because of something I’ve been working on for a while at work and mostly finished today. I was very pleased with myself, especially because it was a thing I self-assigned simply because I felt there was a need for it. I’ve done this many times in the past on many topics and I’ve always had good feedback but this particular thing is more meaningful, I think. It won’t change things in some massive way but I think ultimately in the future it has the potential to help others in some minor way. And I forget a lot that there’s any point to my existence because I figure I’m some sort of freak of nature who’s never part of the norm but who equally doesn’t matter to that same norm for that reason. I’ve always seen myself as completely forgettable and am constantly surprised when people remember me or say they were sad when I was gone or say anything nice about me.